It’s been four weeks on Wellbutrin, which is where you ought to start noticing improvement, or the absence of. I stopped taking Ativan because it was making me suicidal. Passing that comment along to my primary care physician prompted her to refer me to a social worker, who is supposed to be helping me find a psychiatrist, but I feel like she’s leaving most of the work to me. She literally sent me a list I had Googled for myself the day before. Half of the doctors on the list aren’t even psychiatrists, they’re neurologists who double majored in Psychiatry. I’m trying to stay encouraged to find and work with a psych, but honestly I’m feeling pretty turned off of the whole experience.
I feel as though I’ve experienced some improvement on the medication front. Sleeping is still a toil, but I’m experimenting with sleep aids. Right now I’m trying melatonin in 5mg tabs, which do seem to help a bit, but I wish I were falling asleep faster. I may take one and a half tonight and try a 7.5mg dose and see where it takes me. Word of Warning: Melatonin and alcohol affect everyone differently. Some people experience increased insomnia, some experience a more intense drowsiness than with melatonin alone and have trouble waking the next day, and then there are people like me who have a glass of wine too close to a dose and have horrifying nightmares about watching Michael Clarke Duncan commit suicide via shotgun. I had to turn the lights on for a while after I woke up from that one.
Some of my personal symptoms of Depression have also changed just a tad as well, or at least it feels like I’m headed in that direction. I went through a phase where I didn’t want to ride my bike to work. I couldn’t bring myself to commit to it, so I kept carpooling with a coworker. The last couple weeks, however, I’ve been riding in per usual, and feeling less triggered by the experience. Since my accident last summer, riding has been a touchy activity. Some days I’m fine, and other days I have to pull over and focus on breathing just because a car whooshed past me too quickly and set me off. I feel like that has changed, and may continue to get better. For my birthday weekend last Friday, I went out all night with my other bicycle friends, and felt great and confident the whole time. Good signs.
Speaking of my birthday weekend, that’s a great example of me going out and doing something social and taxing without trying to find ways to get out of it by faking illness or conflicting commitments. I planned it, coordinated, executed, and enjoyed. That is a gigantic accomplishment for me.
Here are some other things I’d like to see change before I report back to my doctor to discuss upping my dose and keeping my prescription open:
- The will to get up and clean my apartment.
- The will to keep on top of regular habits like laundry, cleaning the litter box, and dusting out my PC.
- To enjoy reading again.
- Longer bike rides, confidently.
- Regular physical activity, of the cardio persuasion.
- Less frivolous spending. This doesn’t sound symptomatic of Depression, but for me it is.
- The courage to hunt, apply for, and maybe get a new, better job.
So that’s where I am. I go back to my doctor in June, so I have just over four more weeks to really feel out this Wellbutrin situation.
Wish me luck.